


Memories

by liaskywalkerl



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Comfort, F/M, Nightmares, Sad Ending, because I’m always sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:55:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24637174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liaskywalkerl/pseuds/liaskywalkerl
Summary: When memories are all you have.
Relationships: Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, anidala - Relationship
Comments: 8
Kudos: 38





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> If I made any mistakes in English, please don't correct me. I have no respect for this language. 
> 
> Hope you will enjoy it.

Padmé would count down the days to Anakin's return.

She had become so engrossed in her thoughts that she couldn't finish reading the long messaged her sister sent her earlier, and she couldn't stay put on the couch or her desk for a long time, even if her energy was drain from work. Her fingers were always tinkering at whatever she had her hands, and the senator would spend her time trying to keep her mind at bay; to think of anything rather than what might occur with Anakin while he was fighting. 

Even owning several cleaning droids to help with the maintenance of her apartment, Padmé organised the entire place all by herself. She tried to absolve every detail of her house, changing the setting of her home appliances, in a desperate attempt to make it seem like the time was passing, and that her husband would be home soon.

Still, it seemed like her efforts were all for not. Every so often she felt a shiver run down her spine, raising every hair in the back of her head as a breathless gasp slipped down her lips, her knuckles turned white as her hand firmly grasped whatever she was holding, sometimes her nails would sink in the soft skin of her palms hard enough to draw blood. Even the thought of hearing potential news about Anakin's injury or death would make Padmé have shortness of breath. 

At first, Padmé thought she was experiencing some unknown illness, but, after being examined, the medical droid had given her a direct, simple explanation:

_''You are suffering from anxiety, Senator Amidala.''_

It made sense, but it didn't make her situation any better.

Now, whenever this happened, Padmé closed her eyes, raised her hand to the japor snippet hanging in her neck, held it tightly and mumbled in a low voice:

–It will bring me good fortune.'

In the privacy of her thoughts, she would repeat this until the words were meaningless, providing her with some peace of mind. It became her mantra. The dread of losing her loved one made the senator's chest burn in such anger she feared a hole was about to pierce through her body. Padmé didn't care acting as if the words were protecting Anakin because they were the only small solace she had that stopped her from sinking in despair.

She endured another month of this suffering.

Padmé never felt as if Coruscant was her home, she missed Naboo with every piece of her soul and longed for the time she would finally be able to return to her home planet- but when Anakin was by her side, it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. 

The sleepless nights she tossed and turned in her bed, being gradually killed by the absence of Anakin by her side didn't matter, the anxiety which slowly ate her insides and plagued her sleep with nightmares didn't matter. 

They were home. Together. 

  
Padmé couldn't say the same about Anakin.

Their reunions were always emotional, no doubt, for both knew it wouldn't last long. But as time passed, Padmé felt as when her husband returned, a part of him did not. A piece of him would stay on the battlefield.

His face displayed new stress-marks, his shoulders and stance seemed tenser, the sky-blue eyes she came to love over all their time together were dark, numb, as if they had witnessed sights no one deserved to experience. 

But Anakin only had eyes for one sight- one far more beautiful he would never stop admiring if he could-, and now she was standing in front of him.

Later that night, they returned to Padmé's apartment. She had so much to talk with him, but the senator could see how tired Anakin was, no matter how hard he tried to suppress it. It was clear when Padmé noticed Anakin melting in comfort in her arms when she wrapped them around his frame once they were in bed.

His shoulders sank as his body relaxed, the Jedi's head slowly rested on her shoulder and Padmé hugged him tighter, sighing in relief as she was, again, a queen, and just avoided a course of action that would lead to war. 

Sometimes, this was what their situation appeared to be: a battlefield. One surrounded by landmines, and if they weren't careful enough, they would be over. 

Her worries went away as quick as they arrived when Anakin smiled at her, looking up tiredly, but with the same love and devotion that had always accompanied them while they were together.

—What are you thinking so much about?—He smiled, raising one eyebrow at her.   
  


—And how do you know I'm thinking?—she smiled —I could just be enjoying our reunion in silence.

Anakin’s mouth opened in a grin:

—The stars would fade away the day you were not thinking about something.— he said teasingly.

Padmé smiled back, but it did not reach her eyes. If only he knew how helpless she felt being aware that people were suffering, dying, losing loved ones in a war while all she had at her reach was working behind the curtains, out of action and out of harm's way. If he knew how much she had pleaded to herself to 'stop worrying' and stop thinking, trying to convince herself that she had done everything in her power to help, no matter how little her actions seemed to her.

The senator knew- not entirely, but suspected-how draining combat was, both mentally and physically. So, instead of sharing any thoughts with her husband, which she suspected would only bring more stress to him, the brunette let a small laugh drip down her lips.

—You're unbelievable, Anakin.— her long fingers travelled to his dirty blonde curls, a gesture she had grown extremely used to do. His eyes closed as he sighed, a small smile blossoming in his lips.

—You can sleep.—The senator said in a soothing voice, gently brushing her thumb on Anakin's scarred eyebrow. He held her hand, affectionately kissing her soft skin.

—It has been so long.—he sighed–I just want to enjoy every minute I have with you now.

—I'm not going anywhere.—She shook her head, a few of her dark curls fell over her face; the Jedi knight raised his hand and tucked them behind Padmé's ear.—I am here. 

Anakin's eyes glimmered, he sat up, cupping her face with one hand. And still, with a playful smirk in his lips, he stroked them in Padmé's, deepening the gesture into a kiss.

The senator let all her worries slip away, and hid all her insecurities, fears and anxiety on a corner of her mind; for now, a part of herself she would not let regain control any soon.

Once the kiss was over, Anakin looked in her brown eyes, and assured her :

—I am here too.

He rested his body in the pillows as Padmé laid her head on his shoulder.

The Jedi knight wondered at how, even in silence, she could make him feel so incredibly loved. It was an unfamiliar feeling, one he had grown used to not express-but still not how to not long for it, and especially not how to not cling to it with every part of his scarred self.

In a moment which Anakin didn't notice, he fell asleep. All his sensations were comfortably numb, and he could feel his surroundings slowly drifting away; all except Padmé's weak force signature, which pulsed calmly in a warm, soft presence; gradually lulling him into slumber.

...

Padmé watched as her husband slept, her fingers still slowly brushed his curls. His face looked younger, less stricken by worry and seemed more peaceful than she ever remembered.

The irrational part of herself begged for the time to stop, for the seconds to stop counting, so she could enjoy this moment with Anakin for the rest of the eternity. Even being sure it would not be enough time to tell him how grateful she was for his presence in her life.

Seconds quickly turned into minutes, and minutes became hours, and Padmé had fallen asleep by Anakin's side. 

The senator awoke in the middle of the night. She could feel a slight trashing in the bed, and opened her eyes to see Anakin sitting on the edge of the bed, his shoulders were rising and falling as he breathed in and out, almost in some sort of meditation — which only made her more alarmed, remembering all the times Anakin had mentioned how much he despised meditating, and if he felt the need to...  
  


—Ani?—Padmé called him softly, the nickname swiftly echoed through the large bedroom, but her husband almost didn’t move. His breathing only returned to it’s pace, and he looked back to her, eyes glistening with tears.  
  


—Sorry for awaking you,—he said after a pause that seemed like an eternity to Padmé —I...—Anakin searched for words; his durasteel arm hummed as it’s small mechanisms seemed to thrill- something Padmé had been noticing this only happened when Anakin was nervous-, —I only had a bad dream.— The knight confessed, using one hand to push some of his curls that had fallen in his face.  
  


—What was it about?—She caught herself asking even before she could notice.

There was so much about Anakin’s mind Padmé wanted to know- not because she was curious, but because she wanted to help. Something in the back of her mind would always make her keep asking herself if he was pleased, if he had the needed help, if she was enough and if he wasn’t- how long would it take for him to start showing.

As expected, the Jedi knight just shook his head:

—Nothing,— then, he added, as he turned to Padmé —Memories.

She used her thumb to dry a thin tear that rolled down his cheek, the gesture made the man sigh, and try to turn his face away.

—Memories aren’t always bad.

—They were when they were moments once ...— his voice was so low Padmé wondered if he even heard himself speaking —Now they are gone. Only to be reminded, never to be lived again.

There was a darkness in his tone she didn’t heard since Tatooine.

Padmé waited a few moments to speak again.

—Assuming one of us will die first, then the other...— she started, and Anakin looked at her with wide eyes, as if she had grown another head. Before he was able to protest, she continued –One will have to keep on living, and memories may be all we will have. Padmé said softly. —It is up to you if you will use them to bring yourself joy or to dwell on sadness.

-.-

These words ringed in Vader’s mind- even being a faint remain of Anakin Skywalker’s weak self, he could not get rid of it. It was as if the words had been print in his soul.

There was absolutely no sound in the bacta tank- not any he could hear.

But there was enough mayhem in his mind. Memories, again.

_It is up to you if you will use them to bring yourself joy or to dwell in sadness._

Vader allowed Anakin to use the memories to ease his pain.

**Author's Note:**

> If you saw any mistakes no you didn’t.


End file.
